The Outlaw Painkiller

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The Painkiller is a legendary, supposedly sublime tiki cocktail that happens to be trademarked by Pusser’s Rum, and if you own a bar, and don’t follow Pusser’s recipe, you cannot legally call it a Painkiller. So to avoid getting sued for trademark infringement (which Pusser’s has actually done), here’s how you have to make it:

2-ounces (60 ml) Pusser’s Rum

4-ounces (120 ml) pineapple juice

1-ounce (30 ml) orange juice

1-ounce (30 ml) cream of coconut

Freshly grated nutmeg

I faithfully followed this recipe and guess what? Mediocre is a charitable description of the result.

So I went to YouTube and watched several videos in which cocktail aficionados offered tutorials on the Painkiller. In each case, they selected a rum other than Pusser’s, usually a spiced rum (although they acknowledged that in doing so they were departing from the ordained recipe).

Next, I visited the Huli Huli Tiki Lounge in nearby Powell, Ohio, to see how they made their Painkillers. They too used a spiced rum, covering their ass legally by offering to add a float of Pusser’s for an extra two bucks. I am not making this up.

I ordered their Painkiller—without the float, thank you very much—and it was terrific. Once home I revised my own version to use Captain Morgan, an obvious though unimaginative choice, and this time the result was also pretty good. (It would be fun to experiment with other spiced runs; e.g. Kraken.)

After sampling, to the next Painkiller I added four dashes of Angostura Orange bitters, which improved it surprisingly.

My advice to Pusser’s is to devise a recipe that spices up their rum. Pending their inevitable acceptance of my sage counsel, my advice to you is to use pretty much anything except Pusser’s.


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